Advent Children on a Budget
by redcherryamber
Summary: So, feeling theatrical? Want to perform Advent Children with your friends, but aren't sure how? Don't have much cash for props and costumes? A How to Guide, with scripts, for frustrated thespians.  Or just another silly parody. I love Advent Children!
1. Chapter 1

**Utter silliness. **

**Feeling theatrical today.**

**Advent Children for these troubled times. Not Advent Children Complete, because the budget wouldn't run to that. **

**If you'd like to read something worthwhile in a theatrical vein, I recommend Licoriceallsorts' brilliant parody "If William Shakespeare Had Written Advent Children".**

**That has literary merit.**

**This has truly awful "What do you call..." jokes, a sheet, a cardboard box and a phone.**

**Oh yes - and sorry about all the Star Wars references. Don't know how they got in there.**

**SquareEnix owns this world.**

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**Shoe-string Productions Presents:**

**Advent Children for the Economic Downturn**

Suitable for performance in limited spaces, with limited resources.

Cast can be dressed in costume as elaborate as time and budget will allow, or may stick to the following:

Black jeans and t-shirts: **Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj, Vincent, Denzel, Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena, Moogle Girl.**

Black t-shirt and skirt: **Tifa.**

White dress: **Marlene.**

Black jeans, white t-shirt: **Cid, Yuffie, Barret.**

White jeans, white t-shirt:** Rufus, Cait-Sith.**

White skirt, pink top: **Aerith.**

Black jeans, red t-shirt: **Nanaki**.

**Citizens of Edge**: assorted black, grey, white jeans and t-shirts. Woolly hats.

Some kind of make up and distinctive hair would be helpful – but you can assume most members of the audience know the film version – or why would they be watching _you_ do _this_?

As an example – a yellow duster would make good Cloud hair. Well – Cloud hair, anyway.

**Props**: A white sheet, a black sheet, a small cardboard box, a large cardboard box, green and black marker pens, a flipchart, a phone, four soft toys, preferably cats, dogs or moogles - but teddy-bears would do - a toy helicopter, (a Lego one would be good), a sherbet fountain or used firework.

Plastic chairs, if available.

Swords and guns (sticks and water pistols will do).

**Sound FX**:

Blown up balloons. A pin. A popgun, or someone who can make an effective popping noise using the cheek and finger technique!

DN = Director's Note. 'Useful' advice for directors.

**Act One**

**Scene One**

The stage is empty, apart from the flipchart with the green and black pens.

Any four of your actors gallop across the stage, bouncing the soft toys. The largest stuffed toy should be in front, held by your Nanaki actor, if you have one. The actors should try to make galloping sounds with their feet, as of Nanaki and his cubs running. They may pant, if they wish.

Exuent.

Enter Marlene. On the flipchart she writes _498 Years Earlier_.

She flips the chart. On the next page she draws a large volcano with the black pen. Keep it simple! A triangle will do.

Marlene stands to the side, stage right.

Reno appears, stage left, holding the phone in one hand, and the toy helicopter (from now on referred to simply as The Helicopter) in the other. He circles aimlessly, holding The Helicopter aloft. Whirring noises are optional.

Enter Tseng and Elena, holding the white sheet between them. They wave it wildly to indicate a snowstorm, then position themselves in front of the flipchart, holding up the sheet by the top corners so that it hides the flipchart from the audience. Elena and Tseng disappear behind the sheet, still holding it up, as a screen.

Enter the rest of the cast, and sit on the floor in front of the first row of the packed audience. They are the chorus, until they're on.

Elena (from behind the sheet): _Tseng! Look at this!_

Tseng (from behind the sheet): _Pay-dirt._

In front of the sheet, Reno wheels pointlessly, listening to the phone. He looks bored.

Elena (from behind the sheet) _Not a pretty sight, is it?_

Reno: _Who can tell? It's behind a friggin' sheet. Uh - I mean, "Who cares? Just get the damn thing!"_

Tseng: (from behind the sheet) _Reno – the chopper!_

Reno: (sighs and shrugs) _You got it!_

He puts the phone in his pocket. He "flies" The Helicopter slowly sideways towards the sheet, then disappears behind it.

From now on, all lines are spoken from behind the sheet, until otherwise indicated.

Marlene pops the popgun twice.

Tseng: _Woah, woah, woah!_

Elena: _Reno, hurry! Reno!_

Reno: _Hey, Laney, how much closer do ya want me to get?_

Elena (whispers): _Shut up! You're not supposed to be here yet!_

Marlene pops the popgun again. There is a long silence.

Elena (whispers): _Reno! You're here now!_

Reno: _Oh, right, yeah, sorry. Who the hell is that?_

Elena: _Ugh!_

Reno: _Was that your foot?_

Elena: _No, that was _acting_._

Reno: _Sorry._

Elena: _Ungh! Uh!_

Tseng: _Elena!_

Elena: _G – Get out!_

Reno: _Damn it!_

Reno emerges from behind the sheet with The Helicopter, and the small cardboard box under his arm.

Reno, to Marlene: _What the hell was that all about?_

Marlene: _Don't worry – all will be revealed._

Reno: _Seriously?_

Marlene: _No._

Reno flies The Helicopter off stage, and goes to sit with the chorus. DN: Your Reno – if he's at all like Reno - will probably try to play with The Helicopter as the play progresses. Stop him.

Tseng and Elena fold up the sheet, and go to sit with the chorus.

End of Scene One.

**Scene Two**

Belated Prologue. Marlene flips the chart, and turns to the audience.

Marlene: _Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marlene Barret-Dyne-Strife-Lockheart, and I will be guiding you on this journey. To those who loved this world and knew friendly company therein – this reunion is for you. And only you. Because – honestly? If you don't know the original game, this is going to make no sense at all. Seriously – you've got no chance of following this. Don't even try. Just enjoy the bishies, and the elegant choreography of the laws-of-physics-defying fight sequences, and the big swords._

_Okay. Time for a two-minute summary of everything that's happened so far. You need to know this stuff. Pay attention!_

With the green pen, Marlene draws wavy green lines on the flipchart.

Marlene: _The Lifestream._ (Taps the chart, with the pen). _That's what we call the squiggly green lines that flow around our planet giving life to the world and everything in it. They surround us, and penetrate us, and bind the galaxy together. Or something. _

_ The Shin-Ra Electric Power Company – _

Cloud, Barret, Cid etc. from the chorus: _Boo!_

Marlene: The Shin-Ra Electric Power Company _found a way to use the Lifestream as an energy source. Basically, because it _was_ an energy source. But an energy source made of life._ (Pauses while the audience absorbs the deep implications of this). _Anyway, because of Shin-Ra's energy, we were able to power all the different platforms we needed to play the entire compilation! But wasn't that because we were taking away from the planet's life?_

There is a very long pause. Marlene looks expectant.

Marlene: _Wasn't that because we were taking away from the planet's life? Anyone? Rufus Shinra?_

Rufus, from the chorus, looking sheepish: _I suppose…_

Marlene glares at him.

Marlene (pointedly): _Well – a lot of people thought so!_

_ Shin-Ra had a bunch of uber-bullies called SOLDIER who basically killed anyone who got in their way._ (Marlene starts to mumble a bit) _Jenova cells… Calamity…fell from the skies…whatever. _

_ ANYHOO… There was one SOLDIER called Sephiroth…_

Chorus: _BOO!_

Marlene: _…who was better than the rest. Genesis thought he could take him – but he thought wrong. But when Sephy found out that he was just a modified lab-rat with an unfeasibly long sword, he began to hate Shin-Ra. And then, as a perfectly logical consequence of hating Shin-Ra__, he began to hate – everything. Which could be seen as something of an over-reaction. But that's what tends to happen if you spend too long in the library._

_ So, basically – Shin-Ra versus Avalanche: Sephiroth versus everybody. _

_ There were _A LOT_ of battles. _

_ Really. You couldn't travel for more than two minutes in open country without ending up in a battle. And for every battle, there was more sadness. _

_ Well – not for every battle. Because who cares about random monsters? Like, how much grief can you really feel for a cactuar? And that house in the slums? I mean, fighting a house? WTF? – But, yeah. A lot of sadness. Someone I loved went back to the Lifestream too._

Chorus: _Scarlet?_

Marlene: No!

Chorus: _Heidegger?_

Marlene: _No, not Heidegger. Don't be stupid!_

Chorus, variously: _Biggs? Jesse? Wedge? President Shinra?_

Marlene: Aerith! Aerith of course! Aerith died!

Chorus, mumbling: _Oh yeah, shame, hmm, Aerith…_

Cloud gets up and wanders wildly about the stage, tearing his hair.

Cloud: _Aerith died! It was all my fault! Why? _Why?_ I'm so USELESS and GUILT-RIDDEN!_

Tifa gets up, and leads him back to the chorus. She sits him down.

Marlene (looks at her watch). _And then came the chosen day: the planet struck back – Midgar in ruins, everything washed away. That was two years ago. Clear? Good. Think that covers everything._

Chorus, variously: _What about Sephiroth? How did Aerith die? What turned Cloud Emo? What was all that stuff behind the sheet at the beginning? What happened to Shin-Ra? Who's dead again? What the – is going on?_

Marlene carries on regardless: _But now everyone's got Geostigma, so it's not over after all. Any other questions? No? Excellent. On we go then._

Marlene sits on the floor, Stage Right.

End of Scene Two

**Scene Three**

Members of the chorus bring on a chair, with the phone on it. (DN: Remind Reno that the phone's in his pocket).

Enter Denzel. He lies beside Marlene, who looks down at him sympathetically.

Chorus – in true classical style, in unison: _Brring-brring! Brring-brring!_

Marlene: _Tifa – can you get that? I'm helping Denzel with his Geostigma._

Denzel: _How does it look?_

Marlene: _Honestly? Like you stuck your head in a bucket of tar. Oh please don't take Denzel away! Or – take him away, wash him, and bring him back!_

Chorus: _Brring-Brring!_

Enter Tifa, stage left. _All right, all right, I'm coming! Cloud – where the hell have you buggered off to, leaving me with a sick kid, another kid, a bar to run in the middle of the world's biggest economic down-turn, and a delivery service to administrate? Aaargh! _

Tifa answers the phone.

Tifa: _Strife Delivery Service. You name it, we cook it – no – wait – that was the take-out business he started last year. You name it, we del – Oh. It's you. __Yeah, I remember you. You – yeah – but… I suppose that's…_ (giggles…looks embarrassed. Looks down at her chest) _You think so? Well, thanks. Yeah… I will…_(giggles more). _You too. Byeee! No – you hang up!_ (giggles). _Bye. Bye._

(Tifa dials Cloud's number. She sighs.)

Tifa: _Cloud? Yeah. Reno…called. He's in Healen. Says he has work for you. You okay, or what?_

Exit Tifa, admiring her own breasts wistfully. She hands the phone to Cloud without looking at him.

Exit Marlene, helping Denzel.

End of Scene Three.

**Scene Four**

Members of the Chorus pile up chairs, if available, into a random stack, stage right. These are the Ruins of Midgar. Zack's sword (if available – otherwise, a stick) is propped against another chair, stage left.

Cloud enters, on imaginary Fenrir, the phone in his pocket.

Cloud: _Brmm. Brmm._ (He stops, surveying the Ruins of Midgar. He sighs. He sighs again. He stares some more.)

Reno – from the chorus: _Get on with it!_

Cloud (looking hurt, listens to his phone messages. He sighs. He clutches his arm. He sighs. He exits, on imaginary Fenrir.)

Enter Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj, on imaginary green motorbikes. Yazoo and Loz have their weapons (or sticks). Kadaj is carrying the four soft toys, and riding his 'bike' one handed. Kadaj kicks Zack's sword off the chair and laughs evilly. They look towards the Ruins of Midgar.

Yazoo: _The Ruins of Midgar. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Isn't that where Big Bro lives?_

Kadaj: _Yup._

Loz: _Boo hoo._

Yazoo: _What're you crying for? We haven't even mentioned Mother, for, like, half an hour! Oh! Now I've mentioned her! Waah!_

Loz: _Don't cry Yazoo._

Yazoo: _Mummy!_

Loz: _Boo hoo!_

Yazoo (sniffs): _Don't cry Loz._

Kadaj: _Stop crying._ (Cloud 'rides' across the stage.) _Look – Big Brother. On a bike._

Yazoo: _Yeah. And we've all got bikes_ _too…_

Loz: _Right here._

Yazoo: _So we can fight him – on our bikes._

Loz: _Which we've all totally got._

Yazoo: _Hm._

Loz – nodding: _Hm._

Loz and Yazoo look at Kadaj. Kadaj nods.

Kadaj: _Hm._

Yazoo – in agreement: _Hm._

Loz: _Uh – what did 'hm' mean again?_

Kadaj (sighs): _'Hm' means: 'You two jump down this bluff, on your bikes, which you've got, and attack Big Brother while I summon the Pocket Doom Beasts and phone Rufus Shinra.'_

Loz: _Yeah. I thought that's what it meant._

Yazoo – significantly: _Hm?_

Loz: _Hm._

Loz and Yazoo rev their 'bikes' and attack Cloud. DN: Choreograph the fight as you wish – but make it elegant and laws-of-physics-defying.

Kadaj throws the four soft toys at Cloud, laughing manically and crying: _Fly my pretties, fly!_

Loz: _Where's Mother?_

Yazoo: _We know you've hidden her, brother._

Cloud_: No I haven't! I didn't even know she _had_ a brother. _

Yazoo: _No – no, there was a comma. We know you've hidden her – _comma_ – brother. You're _our_ brother._

Cloud: _Oh right. You should enunciate your commas more clearly. _

Yazoo: _Boy do I hate people who are picky about punctuation. See, with Kadaj, it's liars, and with Loz it's the colour yellow – _

Loz (shudders): _Ugh – yeah – yellow! Gross!_

Yazoo: _- but with me – literary pedantry._

Cloud: _I'll be careful._

Yazoo: _You'll be dead!_

They fight some more. The fight becomes slow motion, and finally freezes, as Kadaj hunts for the phone.

Kadaj: _Who's got the phone? Where's Mother? Sorry – force of habit. Where's the phone?_

Cloud – still frozen: _I think it's in my pocket_.

Kadaj sighs and goes to get it, exaggeratedly miming getting off his bike. He pats Cloud's pockets.

Cloud: _Careful. You'll be getting those fangirls all over-excited._

Kadaj: _And we wouldn't want that, would we?_ (He puts an arm around Loz.) _Would we Loz?_

Loz – looking uncomfortable: NO!

Kadaj strokes Yazoo's hair: _Would we, Yazoo?_

Yazoo: _Hm._

Cloud hands Kadaj the phone. Kadaj gets back on his 'bike', and everyone else freezes in battle positions.

Kadaj – on the phone: _Hello. Where's mother? I think you do have Mother there… There's no need to sh…_ (He looks down at himself - and giggles. He flips his hair self-consciously) _Oh – do you think so? Thanks. Yeah, you too. Well, byee. No you hang up – hey – wait a second! You're leading me on! I don't want to talk to you any more! Put the president on. _

Kadaj freezes. The battle recommences. Kadaj and Yazoo pick up two cuddly toys each and slowly lower them over Cloud. Kadaj waves his hand. Loz and Yazoo freeze, then look at each other.

Loz: _Hm._

Yazoo: _Hm._

They tuck the Pocket Doom Beasts under their arms, and 'bike' off in the direction of Kadaj. Kadaj nods at Cloud.

Kadaj: _Hm._

Cloud stares after them, as they exit.

Cloud: _What the…? Hm._

End of Scene Four

**Scene Five**

Members of the chorus take away the Ruins of Midgar, and Zack's sword. They leave the one chair, now positioned stage right.

Marlene writes on the flip-chart with the black pen: Healing (crossed out), Healin (crossed out), Healen Lodge.

Enter Cloud, carrying his sword, or whatever.

Cloud: Sighs. He climbs some imaginary steps, and knocks on an imaginary door.

Enter Reno with his EMR.

Reno opens the door.

Cloud: _Who're you?_

Reno: _It's me - Reno._

Cloud_: No way! What happened to you? You've gone all – bishie!_

Reno: _Yeah, yeah. Happens to us all, man. The bish-over. Comes with a free conscience too, which is kind of a drag… I still kick ass though._

Cloud: _Hm._

Reno laughs: _Same old Cloud. Ha-yah!_

Reno attacks Cloud, who steps aside, as Reno hurtles out of the 'door'.

Cloud: _Still kick ass. Yeah – totally see that._ (Mimes shutting the door).

Reno: _Okay, so you're good. _

Enter Rude.

Rude: … (He gets out his rod). DN: Do not let Reno snigger at this stage direction. He knows what it means.

Reno: _Yeah, Rude – lookin' sharp!_

Rude, looks down at himself. Giggles. _Oh – do you think so? Thanks – I…_ (angrily) _– Reno! Stop that!_

Reno: _Can't help it! Goes with bein' Bish-y._

Cloud: _Have you two finished?_

Reno: _We've only just _started_. Don't you get it yet? – We're the comic relief – the double-act, yo! Reno and Rude – at Healen Lodge for one night only. Say, Rude, what do ya call a woman juggling bottles of lager? Beatrix! Boom, boom!_ (DN: or insert any other bad 'name' joke you like).

Cloud: _Is that the best you've got?_

Reno: _No way man! Just getting' warmed up. Okay – here's one: What do you call that sexy brown-haired chick you live with, who Rude's got a massive crush on?_

Cloud: _Tifa?_

Reno: _Right. And what do you call her sister, if you take her out for an afternoon drink?_

Cloud: _I don't know._

Reno: _You call her Tifa too! Get it? Cause, like, TEA for TWO…_

Cloud: _Shut up Reno._ (Cloud mimes kicking the door. He looks at Rude, frowning) _You have a crush on Tifa?_

Rude: …

Cloud attacks. Rude backs off.

Enter Rufus, with the white sheet. He sits in the chair, and drapes the sheet over himself.

Reno: _Oh – oh – I've got another one. What do you call a man with part of a house sticking out the back of his pants?_

_Roof-ass! _

There is a very long silence.

Reno: _He's there, isn't he?_

Rufus: _What do you call Reno if he makes one more terrible 'joke' like that?_

Reno: _Fired?_

Rufus: _Correct._

Reno – face-palms.

Rufus: _Well – that rather spoiled my grand entrance, ne?_

Cloud: _Rufus Shinra…_

Rufus: (waves hand dismissively) _Obviously._

Cloud: _Do I feel sorry for you._

Rufus: _Well, do you?_

Cloud: _No._

Rufus: _On the day of the explosion…_

Cloud puts his hands over his ears.

Cloud: _La la la!_

Rufus: _I managed to get out of the building…_

Cloud: _I can't _hear_ you!_

Rufus: _…before it collapsed…_

Cloud: _I neither know nor care what you're saying._

Rufus: (Sighs) _Why am I surrounded by children?_

Reno: _The clue's in the title…_

Rufus: _We need your assistance, Cloud_.

Cloud: _Not interested._

Rufus: _It goes without saying that everything's my fault. But I want to be a better person and help to change the world. I've seen the future – mako energy was a mistake. I'm thinking fossil fuels – coal, oil… Rigs out at sea, miles of Shinra pipelines, huge tankers sailing back and forth between Junon and the Western Continent! Really – what could possibly go wrong? We just want to make up for the past. We started an investigation in Sephiroth's wake -_

Reno: _Yup – at the Northern Cave…_

Rufus: _And what do you think we found? Nothing._

Reno: _Nothing at all._

Rude: _Zero._

Reno: _Nada._

Rufus: _Zilch._

Reno: _Definitely nothing to do with Jenova. Or her head._

Cloud, confused: _Okay…_

Rufus: _But we were interrupted. By the same three who attacked you – Kadaj and his gang._

Cloud: _All right… So what's all this about Mother?_

Rufus: _Why, did Kadaj say something? I'm not surprised. It's the sort of thing leaders of violent gangs tend to bring up at a first meeting._

Cloud: _Is it?_

Rufus: _Yes. Anyhow – allow me to try a little… emotional blackmail. Aren't there orphans living with you? Don't you want to see them smile again? Don't you? DON'T YOU?_

Cloud: _I'm listening…_

Rufus holds out his hand.

Rufus: _All we want in the end is world domin… I mean, to rebuild our world, Cloud._

Reno: _Yeah, Cloud. Imagine! Together we could re-build Shin-Ra – just like it was before. Better even! Bigger – more powerful. You could help design the logo._

Cloud: _Not interested._

Exit Cloud.

Rude and Rufus: _Reno!_

Reno: _Oops._

End of Scene Five

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**TBC? "Well, that's up to you", Reviewers...**

**Or, to quote Kadaj - "Maybe not"...**

**Anyway - thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all the kind reviewers. **

**For those who asked - yes - please feel free to perform any bits of this you like. I'd be honoured. **

**If the audience likes it - please acknowledge me!**

**If the audience is throwing rotten fruit, you don't need to bother...**

**Please R&R.**

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**Act Two**

**Scene One**

Scenery as before – empty stage except for the flipchart and pens. The actor playing Loz should have the phone in his pocket.

Enter Marlene. With the black pen, she draws two big arches on the paper to represent the Church in the Slums.

A member of the chorus brings on the two cardboard boxes and places them stage left.

The whole chorus starts to hum Tifa's theme. (DN: if you're aiming for pathos, only let the cast members who can hold a tune join in with this bit. If you're aiming for bathos, let everyone have a go. It's not an easy tune to hum!)

Enter Tifa. She and Marlene wander around the stage for a bit, while the chorus hums. Marlene mimes sniffing imaginary flowers.

Chorus: fades out Tifa's theme.

Marlene (looking at the large cardboard box): Does Cloud live here?

Tifa (confused, looking at the big box): I doubt it, Sweetie. It's a bit too small for Cloud. I mean – I know he's a little short for a storm-trooper – er – SOLDIER – but –

Marlene (with a child's withering sarcasm): Not in the box dummy! In the church!

Tifa: Oh –I'm with you, Honey. I guess he does…

Marlene, running over to the small box: What's this?

Tifa: Hmm – I'm not sure, Sugar. Looks kind of familiar… (She peers into the box). Shiny round things. Now, I'm sure we used to do something with those when we… way back when… Mat…something. It's on the tip of my tongue. Maternity? Matrimony? No – it's gone. (Sighs). It was all so long ago… (She shakes her head, stumped).

Tifa wanders aimlessly over to the large box. Then she looks at Marlene.

Tifa: Oh crap! We forgot the bandage.

Marlene: But without that, how will we know that Cloud has Geostigma?

Marlene turns to the audience. Does any one have a tissue?

From the Chorus Reno pretends to hold something out.

Reno: There you go!

Marlene pretends to look at it. She wrinkles her nose.

Marlene: Does anyone have a _clean_ tissue?

If anyone does, she thanks them, takes it to the flipchart and draws black spots on it with the black pen. If not, she sighs, tears a strip off the bottom of the church picture, and draws spots on that.

Marlene (under her breath) '_Look after Denzel, Marlene' – 'Do the sound effects, Marlene' –'Sort out all the props, Marlene'… I have to do _everything _around here!_

Marlene drapes the 'bandage' over the large box.

Rather melodramatically, Marlene 'notices' the bandage.

Marlene: Just like Denzel. Is Cloud sick?

Tifa: Why didn't he say something?

Marlene: Well – when does Cloud ever say anything?

Tifa: _F_air point, Cupcake.

Marlene: Did Cloud leave because he's sick?

Tifa: He just wants to fight alone.

Marlene: _Fight?_

Tifa stares into space. No. I don't think that he will.

Marlene: What do you mean? Who are you talking to? You're scaring me now…

Tifa (shakes herself): Sorry Cherry-pie. Let's go home.

Marlene: We can't. Cloud's not here yet.

Tifa: I know, Donut. I miss him too.

Marlene: _Donut?_

Tifa: _I_ was just aiming for motherly terms of endearment. I guess… that only works for real families…

Marlene, kindly: No, that's okay. You might want to lay off the 'donuts' though.

Tifa: Why, what are you saying?

Marlene sighs: Tifa – you're so insecure!

Tifa: Yes. Comes of having a rival who's an Ancient super-being. Even when she's dead, she won't keep out of things! (Sighs.) Okay – we'll wait for Cloud. And when he comes back…

Marlene: We'll all go home together.

Tifa: Not until he… gets a lecture.

Marlene: Yeah – cause men love that. That'll get him to stay.

Tifa: You think?

Marlene (shakes her head): _Uh-uh._

End of Scene One

**Scene Two**

Members of the chorus take everything off stage, and place one chair stage right, with the white sheet on it.

Marlene flips the chart back to the Healen Lodge page.

Rufus enters, and sits on the chair. He drapes himself in the white sheet.

Enter Reno and Rude. Reno lies on his back, stage left, and moans. Rude is on his hands and knees, stage right.

Rude: _Ugh!_ (He falls onto the floor, face first.)

Reno: _Agh!_ (He rolls around a bit, clutching his stomach.)

Kadaj gets up from the chorus, and walks between Reno and Rude.

Kadaj: Boy do I hate liars. With Loz, it's yellow – and Yazoo can't stand it when you criticise his use of punctuation – but for me – liars.

Rufus: Sorry about that. Lying comes naturally to me, for some reason. All right – this time you get the truth… (pauses).

Kadaj: Well?

Rufus (raises one hand): Wait a minute. Sometimes the truth takes a little while to manufa – uh – fabrica – um – remember. Oh yes – I've got it now. I left the object you seek by the open window, and a condor swooped down and carried it away.

Reno (moaning in pain): Good one, Boss.

Rufus: Thanks, Reno.

Kadaj: Really? You expect me to believe that? Would you like to try again?

Rufus: Um… Dark Nation ate it?

Kadaj: I thought Cloud killed Dark Nation?

Rufus: Ah. I didn't know you knew that.

Kadaj: I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time. Where is the rebel base … I mean… Mother?

Rufus: Um…

Rude (groaning a bit): You could say it fell out of the helicopter…

Rufus: Brilliant! It fell out of the helicopter. Yes – that's what happened. While we were running from you. We were careless.

Kadaj: He just told you to say that! Do you think I was born yesterday?

Rufus: Pretty much, yes. Look, Kadaj – I know it must seem as though I just made up that excuse on the spot…

Kadaj: No. He made it up. (Points at Rude). You just used it.

Rufus: Yes. But – by a bizarre coincidence – it is what actually happened. I swear it.

Kadaj: Fine. Then swear on these!

Kadaj goes to the flipchart and sketches two identity cards with Tseng and Elena on them. DN: Keep these very basic. Tseng should be a head with hair, dots for eyes, a straight mouth and a dot for his … er… dot. Elena just needs eyes and hair.

Kadaj adds some black splotches.

Rufus (peers at the drawing) What're those supposed to be?

Kadaj: Tseng and Elena's identity cards.

Rufus: And what're all those black splotches?

Kadaj: Blood.

Rufus: No! Tseng! … and Elena. Why did you do this?

Kadaj: Because I can. (Laughs like a girl and waves his hands around.) You see – we need Mother. They took Mother. You've got Mother. We want Mother back. It's not rocket science, or we'd have gone for Cid instead.

We've got this whole big Reunion party planned. And we've sent out the invitations – but – you know – someone's gone and hidden the guest of honour.

Rufus: Invitations? If there's a party going on, shouldn't I be invited?

Kadaj: But you have been, Sir. The Stigma?

Rufus: That's taking a themed party a little too far, wouldn't you say?

Kadaj (with a manic laugh) Don't blame me. Yazoo's the party-planner in our happy family.

Rufus: Figures. Is it fancy dress?

Kadaj: Yeah. But it looks as though you already know that, Sir. What are you supposed to be? A mad monk? Emperor Palpatine? A dementor? The whole sheet thing's a tad generic to be honest. (Gives a crazed chortle or two). Why don't you guess who _I'm_ going as?

Reno (still whimpering a bit): Bondage Barbie?

Kadaj: No!

That's Yazoo.

Rude: (groaning slightly): Roy out of _Blade Runner_?

Kadaj (shakes his head): That's Loz.

Rufus: I think you're going to have to tell us.

Kadaj: But Sir – surely you've noticed? (Kadaj kneels in front of Rufus and looks up at him. There is a pause.)

Rufus: What am I supposed to be noticing?

Kadaj: Don't I remind you of anyone? Just a bit?

Rufus: Um… I think there was a secretary in Accounts with the same haircut?

Kadaj: (Gets to his feet impatiently.) Oh come on! The eyes? The hair? The black leather? The way I can defeat two of your best Turks without catching my breath?

Reno (Struggling to a sitting position): Yeah – but – to be fair, we've not had much practice at fighting for a while.

Rude (Getting up slowly): And we're not as ripped as we used to be. Since the Shin-Ra building got destroyed…

Reno: Used to keep us fit, man. All those stairs.

Kadaj: Weren't there elevators?

Reno and Rude, one line each, together: Always out of order.

Never working.

Kadaj: But isn't it obvious? I'm Him! The Hero of Soldier! The Demon of Wutai! The One-Winged Angel!

Rufus: Wait! Do you mean…

Reno and Rude, one line each, together: Argh! Don't say it!

He Who Shall Not Be Named!

Rufus: … Sephiroth?

Kadaj: Finally! (Throws up his arms in a gesture of triumph, eyes closed).

Rufus and the Turks look at him for a moment, then exit, chatting amongst themselves, Rude carrying the chair.

Rufus (Shaking his head): No – Can't see it myself.

Reno: Nothin' like him.

Rude: He had really long hair.

Reno: And he was much taller…

Kadaj (Opens his eyes, and realises they've gone.) Wait! Come back! Rufus Shinra – you and I have a date on top of a high building!

Exit Kadaj, running after them.

End of Scene Two.

**Scene Three.**

Enter Cloud, carrying Zack's sword like a baby

Cloud: I said I'd live out both our lives. Easy to make that promise.

Zack (from the chorus. He speaks fast, running everything together.): So, you wanna be in SOLDIER? Hang in there. You doin' okay? What're you gonna do when we reach Midgar? We're friends, right? Cloud, Run!

Cloud (falls to his knees, suffering a geostigma attack.)

Marlene enters, glancing at him, and flips the chart back to the Church in the Slums.

Cloud looks up at Marlene.

Cloud: How is that supposed to make sense to anyone?

Marlene: Oh, don't worry. All they need to do is buy a blue-ray player, and watch 'Advent Children Complete'.

Cloud: Oh – well that's fine then.

Cloud gets up and exits, carrying Zack's sword with him.

Enter Tifa, carrying the small cardboard box. She sets it down on the ground. Marlene wanders about, humming something that sounds suspiciously like 'Daisy, Daisy'.

Loz gets up from the chorus, and walks around in a menacing circle, before approaching Tifa and Marlene from stage right. Marlene runs towards him, but Tifa catches her and throws her behind her rather hard. Marlene falls down, and gets up again.

Loz: Wanna play?

Tifa: No.

Loz: I guess that's a 'no'.

Tifa: Yes.

Loz: Hold on – was that a no, or a yes?

Tifa: Which one?

Loz: Huh? I'm confused now. (He looks towards the chorus).

Loz: Prompt?

Chorus, loudly, in unison: WHERE'S MOTHER?

Loz (happily): Oh yeah. Where's mother? (He takes a step towards Tifa, then looks down.) Gross! I hate yellow! Yellow flowers – even worse! See with Kadaj, it's liars, and with Yazoo –

Marlene: The punctuation thing, yes, we know. Get on with the fight.

Loz: Fine. (To Tifa) Play with me.

Tifa pushes Marlene out of the way. Marlene falls over. She gets up and 'hides' behind the pathetically small cardboard box. Tifa mimes putting on her gloves.

Loz: This'll be fun.

Tifa and Loz stage several fighting poses, holding each one for a few seconds while the chorus make appropriate 'Batman' style comments: Bamm! Kapow! Sock! Etc. About five will be plenty. Number four should be Tifa's iconic 'half way up the wall' pose, which can either be done simply, on the floor, or could involve members of the chorus lifting her, depending on your attitude towards health and safety. Number five will need Loz in a heap on the floor, and Tifa victorious.

Marlene: Tifa! (She runs to Tifa).

Chorus, loudly, sings the Victory Theme two and a half times while Marlene and Tifa gaze about, smiling, then reacting to Loz: Da-da-da-da daaa da, da-da daaa! (Loz gets up) Da-da-da-da daaa da, da-da daaa! (Loz gets out the phone) Da-da-da-da daaa d -

Loz: She's not here! I'm _not_ crying. No, I've got it – I'll bring the girl. (He closes the phone, and looks at the chorus.) Who needs this next?

Chorus, looking at each other: Umm – er…

Vincent: Don't look at me. I don't even have a phone.

Marlene, astonished: You don't have a PHONE?

Vincent: I don't hold with these new-fangled gadgets. (Wistfully) When I was young, we managed perfectly well with landlines and phone boxes…

Reno: Yeah – and two paper cups joined together with string…

Tifa, tapping Loz on the shoulder: Weren't we fighting?

Loz: Oh yeah. (He stage punches her, and she falls to the ground).

Loz: So – phone?

Rufus: Cloud needs it in the forest – when it falls out of his pocket.

Loz: I'm glad someone's paying attention.

Cloud: Hmm?

Loz shoves the phone at him.

Cloud: Oh – thanks. Sorry, I was miles away.

Rufus: No change there, then.

Loz: Now, where were we? Oh yeah – I lean suggestively over Tifa, spawning a thousand dodgy fanfics, (he does so) and…

Marlene (mimes throwing materia at Loz): Take that!

Loz: Ow! Hey – shiny things! (He gets up, and walks towards Marlene.)

Marlene: Cloud!

Cloud (from the chorus): Hmm? What?

Marlene: No – you're not here!

Cloud: Sorry – I was miles away.

Tifa, exasperated: Oh, for Gaia's sake – just run!

Denzel jumps up from the chorus and yells: Ah!

Tifa and Loz exit, Loz taking the box with him. Marlene flips the chart to the next blank page, and draws a very quick picture of a truck on it. Enter Moogle girl, carrying a moogle, cat, dog or any other soft toy.

Moogle girl: You've got the stigma too?

Denzel: …

Moogle girl: Come on. They're gonna fix us.

Moogle girl leads Denzel around the stage a few times, while Yazoo gets up from the chorus, tosses his hair a bit, and stands by the picture of the truck, looking at his fingernails.

Denzel stops, seeing the truck, and Yazoo.

Denzel: Hmm. Didn't Tifa say something about not getting into vehicles with uncannily Sephiroth-like leather-clad strangers? Oh well – I've got Geostigma anyway, so what the hell!

Yazoo, flips the chart to the next blank page, and watches as Moogle Girl and Denzel sit down in the chorus.

Yazoo: Hm.

Exit Yazoo.

End of Scene Three.

**Scene Four**

Tifa enters, flips the chart back to the church in the slums page, and lies down on the stage. Nothing happens for a while.

Marlene (from the chorus): Cloud! You're on!

Cloud: Oh – sorry. I was miles away…

Cloud gets up and walks slowly onto the stage. He notices Tifa.

Cloud: Tifa! (He kneels beside her and half lifts her up). TIFA!

Tifa: You're late!

Cloud: Who did this?

Tifa: He didn't say…

Cloud: Well – what did he look like?

Tifa: Oh – do you think it would help to know that?

Cloud: It might…

Tifa: Well – he was – um… Oh, this is tricky…

Cloud: Any distinguishing features?

Tifa: He… was quite tall…

Cloud: Anything else?

Tifa: Hmm. Not really anything distinctive…

Cloud: Hair colour?

Tifa: Silver.

Cloud: Eyes?

Tifa: Kind of … supernatural green. With pupils like a cat.

Cloud: What was he wearing?

Tifa: Black leather, and some kind of weird electric gun thing, on his left arm.

Cloud: Yeah – you're right. Could've been anyone.

Tifa: Oh, I forgot – _Marlene! _(Tifa faints).

Cloud: Materia… materia… Where did I put… (He glances around). Damn it!

Cloud has an attack of Geostigma and passes out.

Marlene and Denzel enter, Marlene carrying one of the soft toys (preferably a dog- or a wolf! - but it's really not important). She lays the toy beside Cloud to represent the wolf.

Marlene and Denzel flip the chart to a blank page and draw two large squares next to each other. Marlene draws Cloud on hers, and Denzel draws Tifa – just as in the background of the next scene in the film, only in black and green, obviously. Unless you want to stretch the budget, and add more pens to your props list! (DN: pause the DVD just after Reno says, "You're a real handful!" and walks out, followed by Rude. On the wall, to the right of the door, are the two pictures I mean. Isn't Cloud's expression perfect?)

Marlene and Denzel exit, Marlene picking up the toy on the way. Tifa and Cloud rearrange themselves so that they're lying straight, as though in bed, heads towards the flipchart, feet to the audience.

Enter Reno and Rude and stand either side of the flipchart, Reno stage left, Rude stage right.

Cloud stirs, and moans a bit. He gets up, and looks down at Tifa.

Reno: You know, you're pretty.

Cloud (notices Reno, turns to face him, and giggles a bit): Oh – do you think so? … Well, thanks. I –

Reno: No – no – sorry… I meant to say: you're pretty heavy.

Rude (to Reno): You just can't help yourself, can you?

Reno shrugs and winks at Rude.

Rude: Stop that! (He looks at Cloud): Weren't there some kids living with you?

Reno: 'Cause they ain't here.

Cloud looks down at Tifa again, as if she's in any state to help!

Rude: You don't care?

Cloud: I just…

Reno: Ahh! You're a real handful!

Cloud (modestly, a little embarrassed): Yes – well, people have said that before… But, thanks for noticing…

Rude: Reno!

Reno: What? Oh no, no, no – that was completely innocent man! I just meant, 'cause he's not helping, and time's kinda of the essence, 'n shit.

Rude: Let's go.

Reno (looking back at Cloud over his shoulder, as they walk back to the chorus): That was so not supposed to be a compliment!

Cloud: Hm.

Cloud kneels down beside Tifa, and watches her sleeping, with an angst-ridden expression.

End of Scene Four

**Scene Five.**

Cloud and Tifa remain on stage. Enter Tseng and Elena, holding the black sheet, to represent night. They stand behind Cloud and Tifa, obscuring the flipchart from view with the sheet. Marlene goes behind the sheet and draws two trees and a moon on the flipchart (or you could draw this in advance, and she could just flip to the right page). This is your most elaborate scenery of the whole play – so make it good. If your budget can run to a silver pen, you could even use that! While this artistic endeavour is going on, Scene Five happens in front of the sheet.

Tseng (to Elena): As the Director of the Turks, I'm feeling more than a little sidelined so far. Why are we holding a sheet - again? Why do Reno and Rude get more lines than us?

Elena: I know what you mean, Sir. You're so right, Sir. (Sotto voce) So _right_ for me! And so…_aloof_, and _diabolically attractive_…

Tseng: I'm sorry?

Elena: Uh – I said – it's NIGHT, Sir. This sheet represents night. And Reno and Rude are FOOLS, Sir – a DOUBLE ACT.

Tseng: I see. So this is all we do? Hold a sheet between the two of us?

Elena: Yes, Sir. (To herself, in a dreamy tone): The two of us…between the sheets… (Elena gazes hopefully at Tseng throughout the scene. He remains oblivious).

Tifa: (Moans a little, as she comes round. She sits up, and looks around for the children.)

Cloud: Reno and Rude are out looking.

Tifa: Reno and Rude? As in the famously child-friendly Shin-Ra Turks, Reno and Rude? The Reno and Rude whose main purpose in life is to help ex-Avalanche members find lost children?

Cloud: They've changed a lot. You wouldn't recognise Reno. I didn't.

Tifa: I… think I'd recognise Reno.

Cloud (suspiciously): Why's that?

Tifa: Oh – no reason. Tell me about this Geostigma you've got.

Cloud: There's no cure.

Tifa: But that's not stopping Denzel, is it?

Cloud: Denzel's a kid! He has no idea of mortality! The ultimate futility of life eludes him. It's hopeless, don't you see? Whatever we do – whatever we strive for – in the end we're just… bubbles, drifting on the lifestream – here for a moment and then gone…

Reno and Rude enter, and stand in front of the sheet. Tifa looks at Reno. She keeps looking at Reno. He winks at her.

Cloud: Life is a brief mako candle, flickering in the darkness… I'm not fit to help anyone – not my friends, not my family…Tifa? Are you listening to me?

Tifa (dragging her attention back to Cloud): What? Oh, yes… sorry. Carry on… (her gaze goes back to Reno).

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally.

Cloud: Aerith?

Tseng: Aerith?

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally.

Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.

Cloud (annoyed): Oh you do, do you! And when did you become a relationship councillor, Mr. 'Suddenly-I'm-a-Turk-with-feelings'?

Tifa: No – actually, he's right. I do want you to move on.

Reno: Told ya!

Tifa (to Reno): Anyway – did you find the kids?

Reno: No – only a witness. Kadaj's gang…...took the kids.

Tifa: Why the long pause?

Reno: It's the dub.

Tifa: Oh, I see. Like when I had to say, "Not until he…...gets a lecture."

Reno: Good example.

Tifa: Thanks.

Rude: They're at their base now – the Forgotten City.

Cloud: Where's that again?

Rude: I've forgotten.

Reno: Yeah – I can't remember either. I think it used to be on the Northern Continent…

Rude: But it can't be there now. Because Yazoo took the kids there in a truck…

Reno: I bet you could reach it by bike.

Rude: Maybe that's why it's called the Forgotten City. Because even the folks at SquareEnix can't remember where it is!

Cloud: Okay – you go and look for the kids, and I'll – um – go and – see Rufus! Yes, I completely need to see Rufus. I've got a very important question to ask him that can't wait.

Tifa: What question?

Cloud: Er…

Tifa: You're so scared!

Cloud: Am not.

Tifa: And you never answer your phone, but I don't see you throwing it away either!

Cloud: What? What's that got to do with anything?

Tifa: It's the phone theme. Haven't you noticed the phone theme?

Cloud: That's just product placement. It's got nothing to do with whether I'm scared or not.

Tifa: But you are though.

Cloud: I am not!

Tifa: Go then!

Reno: Yeah – you go. The base is all yours.

Exit Reno and Rude, back to the chorus.

Tifa (sighs): Which is it – a memory, or us?

Exit Tifa, followed by a miserable-looking Cloud.

Tseng and Elena fold up the sheet, and Tseng carries it off stage.

Elena: Which is it, Tseng? A memory, or me?

Elena sighs. Exit Elena, leaving Marlene finishing off (or pretending to finish off) the work of art that is your Forgotten City scenery. When she's happy with it, she exits, leaving the stage empty.

End of Scene Five

**Scene Six**. The Forgotten City scenery on the flipchart should be causing gasps of admiration from your audience.

Enter Yazoo and Loz, with both sheets. They lay the white sheet out flat, folding the corners in a bit to make it roughly circular. This is the materia pool. They lay the black sheet behind it, so it looks like the shoreline. This will be used for Spectacular Special Effect #1 later in the scene.

Enter Kadaj and Marlene, with the popgun. Marlene stands beside Loz, stage left, Yazoo stands stage right, and Kadaj stands behind the materia pool, centre stage, facing the audience. Denzel and Moogle Girl enter and sit just in front of the chorus.

Kadaj (to Denzel and Marlene): Mother has given me a very special gift! The gift to fight! This gift was given to all her children when we inherited her mimetic legacy through the lifestream! Yes – you and I are brethren!

Yazoo: Um…Kadaj?

Kadaj (annoyed): What is it? I'm giving a speech!

Yazoo: They're kids. I don't think they know what words like 'mimetic legacy' and 'brethren' mean.

Kadaj: Of course they do! (Points at Moogle Girl) You – girl with the stuffed…thing. Define 'mimetic legacy'.

Moogle Girl: Uh – I… don't know.

Kadaj: Boy – with the hair, and the haunted expression!

Denzel: Uh…um…

Kadaj: Oh for Mother's sake – what are they teaching in Midgar schools these days? Tell them Loz.

Loz: Uh…

Kadaj has a mini fit.

Kadaj: Argh! All right! Forget it! Ruin my big scene! Come on then – everyone in the water. I will heal you – do as I do - whatever.

Kadaj stomps into the pool. As he walks onto the white sheet, Yazoo and Loz unroll the black sheet behind him. He steps over it as they go, stopping in the middle of the 'pool', and they roll it out all the way, turning the water black! (DN: That was Spectacular Special Effect #1. Hope you were impressed.)

Kadaj mimes drinking the water. Denzel and Moogle Girl walk into the water and copy him.

Marlene: Denzel!

Everyone freezes. Cloud appears, stage right, and slowly crosses the front of the stage on imaginary Fenrir.

Cloud: Brrm, brrm.

As he does this, Yazoo and Loz take away both sheets and leave them under the flipchart. They stand either side of the flipchart, Kadaj between them. Marlene stands by Loz. Denzel and Moogle Girl stand to either side, leaving the rest of the stage clear for Cloud. Cloud circles round until he reaches centre stage, where he mimes being thrown forward. He looks around him in wonder. The Chorus hums Aerith's theme, softly.

Enter Aerith. She stands back-to-back with Cloud, centre stage.

Aerith: You came! Even though you were about to break. That's a good sign. So – why did you come?

Cloud: I think, I want to be forgiven. Hm. More than anything.

Aerith: By whom?

Cloud (turns round. As he does so, Aerith walks quickly back to the chorus and sits down.) _By whom?_ Are you serious? Do you know how long I've been… Aerith? _Aerith?_

Cloud throws his hands up in despair, gets back on imaginary Fenrir, and circles the stage a couple of times.

Cloud: Brrm, brrm.

Cloud ends up stage right. Meanwhile, Yazoo and Loz take Denzel and Moogle Girl and position them in front of themselves. Then they shoot at Cloud, over their heads. (If your Denzel and Moogle Girl are actually adults, they'll have to kneel down). Cloud rushes towards them, sword drawn, then falls over, landing in a heap at Kadaj's feet, dropping his sword.

Cloud: I've just come for the kids.

Kadaj: See this man? He's our big brother. But, alas, in our happy flock, he's what you'd call a black sheep!

Yazoo: You see, again, I'm not sure they'll know that reference.

Kadaj: What?

Yazoo: Happy flock – black sheep – could be a bit too metaphorical…

Kadaj (turning on Yazoo): Will you just shut up!

Cloud uses this distraction to grab his sword, and fights Kadaj. Loz stands stage right, Yazoo stage left and Kadaj centre by the flipchart. The fighting takes place in these three locations. Marlene hands Yazoo the popgun. He puts away Velvet Nightmare – if he has one – and uses the popgun instead. For the entire fight, Yazoo stands still and pops the popgun – a lot. Cloud rushes between the three remnants, fighting each one in turn, Loz striking dramatic poses, Kadaj wielding Souba (or a stick!) and Yazoo…popping his popgun. After enough of this silliness has transpired, enter Vincent, swirling his cape swirlilly. The three remnants wave Souba and Dual Hound and the popgun at swirling Vincent. Cloud, centre stage, takes the phone out of his pocket and, in slow motion, makes it rotate in the air a few times, before setting it down just in front of the chorus. Vincent drapes his cape around Cloud, and ushers him off. The remnants stare upwards, baffled.

Exeunt everyone.

Marlene (from the chorus): Later, in another part of the forest…

Enter Cloud and Vincent. Cloud sits moodily on one side of the stage, Vincent stands mysteriously on the other.

Cloud: See! I knew I'd be no help.

Vincent: That's it – have a good wallow.

Cloud: Look who's talking! I'm not the one who shut myself away in a coffin for thirty years!

Vincent: That was just…adolescent angst.

Cloud: Really. Well, I have enough angst of my own right now. (Cloud gets to his feet). Vincent - do you have any idea what's going on?

Vincent: I come here often.

Chorus: Random Vincent!

Cloud: Oh come on – when is Vincent _not_ random?

Chorus: _Dirge of Cerberus?_

Cloud: Okay – fair point.

Vincent: Do you want to know what's going on, or not?

Cloud: Yes!

Vincent: Okay. Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj are Sephiroth remnants. Geostigma is caused by the body overcompensating while trying to eject Jenova cells – think of it as an over-active immune response, or call it what you want. The remnants are looking for Jenova's head – which was taken by Tseng and Elena – who were brutally tortured –

Tseng: (from the chorus) What?

Elena: (from the chorus) Were we?

Tseng: And we still don't get any more lines?

Elena: So unfair! Tseng deserves more lines!

Tseng: Thank you, Elena.

Elena: Any time, Sir. Any time at all…

Vincent: They were brought here half dead. I did what I could for them (glares at Tsung and Elena) – although I'm beginning to wonder why I bothered… Anyway – if they wanted to, the remnants could recreate Sephiroth.

Cloud: But no-one would want to do that, would they?

Vincent: Hmm. I'd rather not know.

Cloud: With that attitude, how did you get so well-informed?

Vincent: Oh – I pick things up here and there. Randomly.

Marlene (from the chorus) rustle, rustle, rustle.

Cloud, drawing his sword: What's that rustling?

Marlene runs up to Cloud.

Cloud: Marlene! You escaped from those almost omnipotent Sephiroth remnants all by yourself?

Marlene: Well why not? I've done everything else in this production so far. And let's face it – your attempt wasn't about to win 'rescue of the year' any time soon. By the way – how's Tifa? Did you at least manage to rescue her?

Cloud: Er – no. I was a bit late. But Tifa is all right.

Marlene: Good – let me speak to her.

Cloud: I lost my phone.

Marlene: (glowering at Vincent): And we've already established that you don't have one… (Vincent flicks aside his cape dramatically, to confirm this.) Bloody useless, the pair of you!

Cloud: Vincent – will you bring Marlene to Tifa? I've got to – um – see Rufus. I've got a very important question to ask him that can't wait.

Vincent: Well – technically I _could_ – but I've just randomly decided that I'm not going to.

Marlene: Forget it Cloud. Why don't you ever pay any attention to us? (She runs to hug Vincent).

Cloud: Marlene, please give me some time. There's a battle to be fought – but it's not as simple as just fighting it. Understand?

Marlene: Er – no. Because it doesn't make sense. What else are you going to do with a battle?

Vincent: Cloud – are you sure this is about fighting?

Marlene: Not you too! It's a battle – it's about fighting!

Cloud: Hmmm. (He stares out into the audience, looking thoughtful.)

Marlene: Cloud?

Cloud: Sorry. Just remembering that scene when Tifa told me to get off my arse and get on with it. Do you think she wants me to move on?

Marlene: Yes.

Vincent: Oh yeah.

Cloud: But – I let Aerith die.

Marlene: To be fair – I think that was more Sephiroth's fault than yours. And I don't think Tifa holds it against you…

Vincent: And a woman like Tifa isn't going to wait around forever. Women do change their minds about these things you know. I once knew a woman…

Marlene (cutting him off): And Tifa fancies Reno.

Cloud: Does she?

Vincent: Totally.

Chorus: Dilly-dally, shilly-shally!

Aerith (from chorus): Isn't it time you did the forgiving?

Cloud (looks at Vincent): Are sins ever forgiven?

Vincent (shrugging uncharacteristically). Don't know. Never tried.

Cloud: You mean…Never tried?

Vincent: Yes. That's why I said, 'Never Tried'.

Cloud: Marlene – let's go!

Marlene: _Finally!_ (She runs to Cloud and holds his hand). Cloud leads Marlene back to the chorus.

Cloud: Well – I'm gonna try. I'll phone in the verdict. When I've got a phone.

Exit Cloud and Marlene.

Vincent: But – I don't have a phone. I suppose I'll just have to bite the bullet and join the modern world. (Sighs). I wonder where I can buy a phone?

Exit Vincent, pondering the difficulties of modern life.

Five actors from the chorus position themselves centre stage, one standing at the back, two kneeling up, and two kneeling down in front of them. If possible these should include Barret, Yuffie and Tifa. Aerith should be the fifth, kneeling down, stage right.

The back actor starts with the phone, holding it aloft. Very slowly he (or she – but preferably he because it's Reeve on the phone) brings the phone down in a curve:

Actor one: It's me, Reeve. How's work going? I saw your flier. How in the world do you stay in business? Ha! You never change, Cloud. (Reeve transfers the phone to his other hand, and brings it round in a spiral.) If it's all right, I was thinking about helping you out, but, I guess I'll call back another time. Goodbye for now. (He passes the phone to the next actor – Yuffie – who spirals it down to Tifa, who hands it on to Barret. The idea is to recreate the scene of the phone sinking slowly to the bottom of the pool. All three actors speak at once:

Yuffie: Surprise! It's me, Yuffie. So – all the children in Wutai have disappeared. Have you heard anything about it? Fill me in, okay?

Tifa: Cloud – how've you been? Reno called again, and he sounded kind of strange. He says to hurry. Be careful – okay?

Barret: Surveying's done, so I should be able to get out there and see Marlene soon. You let her know, all right, Spiky?

Aerith takes the phone last. She lays it carefully on the floor in the centre of the group of actors.

Aerith: I never blamed you. Not once. You came for me. That's all that matters.

Exeunt everyone – leaving the phone centre stage.

Enter Vincent. He sees the phone.

Vincent: Ah ha! That's handy!

Vincent picks up the phone, and puts it into his pocket with a flourish of his cape.

Exit Vincent.

End of Act Two.

* * *

**What will happen next? **

**What will Spectacular Special Effect #2 be?**

**Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's been a while. Sorry - I got caught up in other things. I've been working on 'Somewhere in Midgar' for those patient people reading that, and - at long last - the next chapter is almost done. I'm also determined to finish unfinished things, so here's the next act of this. One more to go. **

**Thank you for your patience, and thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. So much appreciated. **

* * *

**Advent Children on a Budget **

**Act Three**

**Scene One**

The flip chart is at the back of the stage, centre. Marlene enters, and draws a rough cityscape with a few cranes. While she's doing this any two other characters make a pile of three or four chairs to represent the thing of beauty (!) that is the Shin-Ra monument, centre stage in front of the flip chart.

Enter Loz and Yazoo, with Denzel and Moogle girl. Denzel and Moogle girl stand far stage left and stage right, close to the audience, heads bowed. Loz and Yazoo stand just stage right of the monument, staring at the chorus.

Chorus, variously: Hey – what do you sickos think you're doing?

- Give us back our children!

- Are you listening to me?

- You with the long hair – you look like a girl!

Yazoo: Huh? (Looks significantly at Loz.)

Loz: Hm. (Nods.)

Yazoo holds up one hand.

Up to four members of the chorus (depending on the size of your chorus) pounce onto the stage wielding the Pocket Doom Beasts (the four plush toys as before). The remaining members of the chorus jump to their feet and run around the monument yelling. They keep doing this, being harassed by the PDBs, for quite a while, before returning to the Chorus. They all run anti-clockwise, and, oddly, none of them actually try to run _away_ – just _around_.

When they've all sat down again (including Denzel and Moogle Girl), enter Reno and Rude, stage right.

Reno (To Yazoo and Loz): And what're _we_ up to?

Yazoo: Actually, I'm not quite sure. Kadaj would have us believe that Mother is hidden inside this - quite startlingly unattractive – monument, but frankly, that seems unlikely.

Loz: Yeah – monument – thing. Mother. What he said.

Yazoo: And we _do_ enjoy terrorising innocent citizens and watching them running round in circles.

Loz: Yeah. Around. Never _away_ – just _around_.

Yazoo: Even though this plaza appears to have multiple exits. (sighs) And people think _you're_ stupid Loz!

Loz: Heh-heh – yeah. (Realising what Yazoo said) Hey!

Yazoo: So – is Mother here?

Loz: Cause Shinra made this monument…

Reno: Well – there are two replies I could give. (Taps his head meaningfully). I could say 'Oh no, you're just too clever'…

Rude: And I could add, 'Except – you're wrong'.

Reno: And I could finish with, 'And wherever she is, we just don't know.' And then Rude and I could spend about ten minutes chortling at our wit. (They chortle at their wit for what is quite clearly a disproportionate length of time.) _Or_ I could say, 'So you think we hid her here…'

Rude: And when you ask if we did, I could say, 'Why ask us?'

Reno: Then I could end, "Where we hid her is classified info!"

Rude: And again – with the chortling. (They chortle.)

Loz: Huh?

Yazoo: All right… Then, in the first case, I'd have to reply, 'What, the peons aren't trusted?' And in the second: 'Ah ha - seems you _do_ have something to hide!' But whichever one you pick, I'm going to flick my hair like _this_ (he does) – which you're inexplicably going to find _unbelievably_ irritating, to judge from the incoherent outrage and incredulity of your responses. Either that or you're just floored by your own unbelievable stupidity at having given the game away. Or is it the devastating cleverness of my retorts?

(Reno and Rude stare at one another, and back at Loz and Yazoo, a good six or seven times, making outraged and incoherent noises.

Yazoo gets bored and starts looking at his fingernails.)

Yazoo: Come on – you're Turks. Do what you do!

Reno: Right. Hi – yah! (Charges at Yazoo followed by Rude).

Yazoo: Wait! Freeze!

Reno, Rude and Loz freeze in attack positions. Reno should have _at least one_ leg in the air.

Rude (speaking through the side of his mouth): Er – why are we freezing?

Yazoo: There's a bit with Kadaj and Rufus Shinra now.

Reno: Well – can't we sit down for it, yo? I'm getting a cramp.

Yazoo: Oh – all right. (Looks at Kadaj who is sitting in the chorus): Kadaj – you're on.

**Scene Two**

Reno, Rude, Loz and Yazoo sit down in the chorus. Kadaj walks to the monument and takes one of the chairs off it. He places this near the front of the stage, facing the audience. Rufus enters with the white sheet and the small box. He sits on the chair, making a show of placing the box on his knees, and then drapes the sheet over himself, being careful to cover the box.

Kadaj (suspiciously): What's that you've got there?

Rufus: Nothing! (Hastily, to change the subject, he asks): Say, Kadaj – I've got a question for you.

Kadaj (with quite unnecessary animation): And _I've_ got an _answer_!

Rufus: (Cautiously, since Kadaj is quite clearly several remnants short of a reunion): O-kaay… Firstly – why have you brought me to this high, unfinished building, from the thirteenth floor of which all those people running aimlessly in circles in the square far, far below appear as mere ants?

Kadaj: What? I was expecting the question about Jenova cells?

Rufus: Help me out here – I'm trying to set the scene. (Dramatically): This half-built tower block is awfully high! How fearful and dizzy 'tis to cast one's eyes so low! Me thinks 't would be most terrible to fall!

Kadaj: Oh – oh yeah, right. Er – yeah – it's really high up here.

Rufus: And how the vicious wind of Edge doth blow!

Kadaj: Mmm. Like wind does –near the top of high, unfinished buildings. Whoosh.

Rufus: That's better. And secondly: you said you needed Jenova cells, in order to be whole again. What did you mean by that?

Kadaj: Weren't you paying any attention _at all_ thorough any of the original game? Don't you remember all those Sephiroth clones – reunion – the way Jenova cells try to join back together again? Hojo explained it all to you in the Northern crater. _I_ know that, and I wasn't even there!

Rufus: To be honest, I was a bit distracted. My hair kept getting in my eyes – and from what I could see of it, it was – _orange_! (He shudders). Strawberry blond I could live with – but this was really… a nightmare! (He stares into space, horrified, remembering…)

Kadaj: So – you want to know about the Jenova cells, or not?

Rufus: (Shaking himself free of his dreadful tangerine memories): Yes.

Kadaj: All right then. There have already been several clues – such as that time at Healen Lodge where I kind of _turned into Sephiroth_ for a moment… but let's go for the drama anyway. (Takes a deep breath.) HIM. He's coming back!

Rufus: Sephiroth?

Kadaj: No – the ghost of Heidegger. Yes, Sephiroth! Of course Sephiroth!

Rufus: Hmm. Wasn't he supposed to have been a bit of a nightmare?

Kadaj (frankly annoyed): You'd think, wouldn't you? But apparently not so much of a nightmare as having orange hair. (Sulkily) Not that I'd know – never having met Sephiroth. But… I sense him there – like – some annoying older brother who got all the brains and the looks, and who went to medical school and all the girls liked him – and you just know he'll always be mommy's favourite – and it's NOT FAIR!

Rufus (Shrugs.) Wouldn't know. _My _older brother was never really competition, obviously. You are a poor little remnant, aren't you?

Kadaj: It doesn't matter who she picks! You'll all meet the same end. Mother came here to rid the cosmos of fools like you in the first place!

Rufus: Well – that doesn't seem likely. I thought she arrived more than two thousand years ago? Weren't the Cetra around then? Weren't they a good and wise people who operated in balance with the planet?

Kadaj (looks a bit shifty): Um… that's not important. I'd do _anything_ for Mother! Because she knows what's best.

Rufus: But –

Kadaj: That's all I have to say on the subject.

Rufus: But I have a speech about the Lifestream and the inevitable repetition of cycles of life and death. It's good – it has this line about doing 'as life dictates' and stopping you every single time. I sound quite sexy saying it, too.

Kadaj: Don't want to hear it. Let's just – put an end to all this. (He raises his hand menacingly and gestures in a 'summony' way.)

Rufus: I thought summons materia were red?

Kadaj: Yeah – well – not always, okay? Will you stop criticizing and have the decency to look a bit _impressed_?

Rufus: I'm Rufus Shinra. I don't _do_ impressed.

Kadaj: Oh for f- Will everybody please stop trying to upstage me! (He stamps his foot.) Yazoo ruined my big speech in the Forgotten City – you're spoiling my moment now – when is it _my_ turn? It's not FAIR! Watch my scary summon and weep, bitch! (Kadaj makes another dramatic summony gesture. Rufus ignores him.)

DN: Time for** Spectacular Special Effect #2**. One member of the chorus takes the most fearsome and/or largest of the soft toys to be the head of Bahamut Sin. Two more actors take the black sheet and, standing either side of the person playing the head, spread the sheet out behind them, holding one corner each, to be wings. The actor with the head should be good at roaring. The other two just need to be able to flap. A lot. (Or you could use a small model of the actual Bahamut Sin, and have one actor carrying it, as with Reno and the helicopter in Act One. This might look a bit silly though – whereas the triple-actor, plushie and sheet effect is obviously extremely impressive.)

Bahamut Sin assembles itself centre stage, in front of the monument. The members of the Chorus leap to their feet and run around anticlockwise as before, yelling and pointing fearfully at the monster, which roars and flaps impressively. Once the monster has roared thrice everyone except Rufus and Kadaj returns to the Chorus.

Rufus: Oh – some kind of Bahamut. _That's_ original. I suppose it's going to destroy half the city, and we're going to have to get planning permission all over again, which will be … irritating. (He picks up his chair and moves it to the side of the stage, where he sits looking mildly irked. Kadaj stands behind him, smirking.)

Denzel goes to stand stage left of Bahamut Sin, facing out into the audience with a glassy stare. Tifa runs up to him.

Tifa: Denzel! (She shakes him.) Denzel – we need to get away!

Bahamut Sin turns and leans towards her with much roaring and flapping. Tifa punches the plushie, which is Bahamut Sin's head, to no effect. Tifa shakes her hand in pain. She grabs Denzel and holds him protectively as Reno and Rude jump up from the chorus and run towards Bahamut Sin, which raises its wings as high as possible and roars more.

Reno and Rude stop abruptly in front of the monster.

Reno: Fu -

Rude: Reno! Watch your language! The kids!

Reno: Oh yeah. Sorry. Um – shi –

Rude: No.

Reno: What then?

Rude: Try 'hello'.

Reno: What?

Rude: You know – like ironically. 'Hell –o'!

Reno: Seriously?

Rude: Yeah.

Reno: Okay. Hell – o!

Rude: Hell no!

Reno: Oh – I see what you did there…

Bahamut Sin: ROAR!

Reno: Run?

They turn and run on the spot, facing the audience. Reno nearly hits Rude with his EMR or equivalent.

Rude: Will you watch where you're sticking that thing?

Reno: Have you been reading _those_ fanfics again?

Rude: Shut up and run!

Reno: Wait!

Rude: What?

Reno: PR opportunity! Grab a kid or two!

Rude: In what way is kidnapping good for PR?

Reno: No – _rescuing_! Coz we're _good_ Turks now, remember?

Rude: Uh – can't see any kids!

Reno: Oh forget it. We'll retcon – say we rescued a couple of kids. There're so many different versions of what happens by now, no one'll remember anyway. Is that monster after us?

Rude: I ain't lookin'!

Bahamut Sin roars and (carefully) destroys the monument, scattering the chairs (gently) about the stage. Rude, Reno, Tifa and Denzel fall to the floor. Tifa and Denzel crawl back to the chorus, leaving Reno and Rude lying on the ground downstage centre.

**Scene Three**

Rufus and Kadaj remain at the side of the stage, as before, watching the action. Marlene, in the chorus, needs the pop gun.

During this scene Bahamut Sin stands at the back of the stage, flapping its wings from time to time. Loz and Yazoo get up from the audience and stand one each side of Reno and Rude looking down at them. Reno and Rude get up slowly, dazed.

Yazoo: Are we having fun yet, huh?

Reno: The time of my life!

Reno grabs Yazoo by the hair and they proceed to engage in a slappy bitch fight stage left, while Rude and Loz exchange slow stage punches stage right. After a short time Loz punches Rude to the ground. As Rude falls he takes off his glasses and places them down stage. Yazoo slaps Reno, who falls on top of Rude. Reno gets up and, after looking around for them for a while, steps deliberately on Rude's glasses. Rude looks up at Reno.

Rude: Hey – what did you do that for?

Reno: What?

Rude: The glasses!

Reno (looking shifty): It was an accident.

Rude: No it wasn't.

Reno: Okay then – it was a comedy interlude. You put your spare pair on – coz you're Rude, and you always wear dark glasses, right?

Rude: I don't have a spare pair.

Reno: What?

Rude: Come on Reno - who has a spare pair of sunglasses?

Reno: That – was kind of the joke?

Rude: Not funny Reno.

Reno: Sorry.

Yazoo: Ahem!

Reno and Rude turn back-to-back centre stage, facing Yazoo and Loz respectively.

Reno and Rude simultaneously: Your Mom!

Loz and Yazoo shout with rage and charge Reno and Rude, who duck. Loz and Yazoo hit each other and go sprawling backwards on the floor. Reno and Rude get up, patting each other exaggeratedly on the back and making absurd thumbs up signs. While they're doing this Loz and Yazoo recover and with one punch apiece knock them to the floor. Loz and Yazoo laugh evilly as Reno and Rude get groggily to their feet. Reno and Rude stand back-to-back panting and wheezing. They don't look well.

Yazoo: Do you give up?

Reno: No way! It's just –

Rude: Someone else's –

Reno: Scene.

Rude: Yeah, we could –

Reno: Keep this up –

Rude: All day!

They stagger back to the chorus, holding each other up. Yazoo and Loz follow them, looking cynical.

**Scene Four**

Enter Tifa and Denzel. They lie down in the middle of the stage. Denzel gets up slowly.

Denzel: Tifa?

Bahamut Sin flaps threateningly and approaches Tifa's inert body.

Denzel: Son of a Bitch! (He goes to hit Bahamut Sin but at that moment -)

Barret, Nanaki, Cait Sith (Nanaki can hold one of the spare plushies to be Cait Sith), Yuffie, Cid and Vincent stand up from the chorus and form a semicircle between Tifa and Denzel, and Bahamut Sin, facing the audience. Tifa gets to her feet. Denzel looks confused.

Barret: I am Barret, wielder of various lethal arm attachments, part time oil prospector and Daddy of Marlene. Call me – Mr. B.

Nanaki: I am Nanaki of Cosmo Canyon, and not a talking dog.

Cait Sith: Ma name's Cait Sith. Hoots mon, it's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht, lang may yer lum reek, dinna call me a purring stereotype, we canna handle this, och nay laddie!

Yuffie: Yuffie here – White Rose of Wutai – famous ninja – certified materia junkie – leave this to me, I can handle anything!

Cid: Cid Highwind, Captain of the _Millennium Falcon_ – uh – I mean the _Shera_. Let's blow this thing and go home!

Vincent: Vincent Valentine. Good afternoon.

Tifa: There's one just around the corner.

Vincent: One what?

Tifa: Phone shop. (Shakes her head.) For some reason I thought you were going to ask where you could buy a phone.

Vincent (puzzled): I have a phone. (He swirls back his cape and takes Cloud's phone from the end of Act Two out of his pocket.

Tifa: Sorry. Carry on.

Vincent (surveying the group) No – I think that's everyone.

(The others all nod.)

Denzel: Who _are_ all these weirdoes?

Tifa: These are our friends.

Cid: And together with Tifa we are –

All: The Magnificent Seven!

Barret: Hey wait – wasn't there someone else?

They all look at each other, shaking their heads and looking as though they're trying to remember.

The Magnificent Seven, variously: There was…

- The short one…

- Spiky hair…

- Didn't say much…

- Liked wearing purple…

- Can't remember…

Yuffie: No – I don't remember anyone else. 'The Magnificent Eight' sounds wrong any way. Let's go!

Barret: Yeah!

Cloud jumps to his feet from the Chorus. He seems much more animated than before. Must be the HD.

Cloud: Wait!

Everyone else, variously: Oh yeah –

- Him.

- The blond one.

- What was his name again?

Denzel: Cloud!

Everyone else: Yes! Cloud! That was it!

Cloud: Hi everyone! You know what – I'm feeling _so_ much better! I think I've lost weight. I feel lighter. Must be all that dilly-dallying – _joke_! See – I can even joke now! No, but seriously, I mean, lost weight metaphorically speaking. You know – like a weight off my shoulders? I went through a bit of a bad patch there for a while but –

Tifa: Cloud! Where's Marlene?

Cloud: Oh, she's fine – I took her home. Denzel – you run along too. Out of harm's way.

Denzel: So – I _will _see you there later? You won't just – go off again? Promise?

Cloud nods at Denzel who smiles and runs back to sit in the chorus.

Tifa: Good. So…

Cloud: Hm?

Reno (from the chorus): Again – I think she wants you to move on, man!

Cloud: What?

Everyone: _Get on with it Cloud!_

Tifa gestures to Bahamut Sin. Without further ado, Cloud and the others surround Bahamut Sin and start attacking it with whatever weapons, sticks, hands etc. they have with them. Bahamut Sin flaps, and eventually roars. This is the cue for everyone to freeze.

Kadaj (to Rufus, gloating): This is too fun, Sir! What would you like for the next act? I can give you not one, not two - but four other kinds of Bahamut! You've got your bog-standard Bahmut, your Neo Bahamut, Your Bahamut Zero – and my personal favourite – Bahamut Fury!

Rufus: No thanks. I'm all Bahamutted out.

Rufus stands, casting off the white sheet and revealing the small box. Kadaj cries in horror –

Kadaj: MOTHER!

Rufus: A _good_ son would have known. (Rufus tosses the small box onto the floor).

Rufus and Kadaj both make a show of following the box as it 'falls', pointing at an imaginary box ahead of them, and then down to the ground.

Kadaj: (Having a mini-fit, stamping his feet) You - you - absolute _bastard_!

Rufus: Why, thank you. One does one's best.

Kadaj: AAArgh! (He stretches out his arm towards Rufus and they freeze.)

All the other characters on stage form a line from stage left to right, in the order: Barret, Cid, Nanaki and Cait Sith, Yuffie, Vincent and Tifa. Bahamut Sin raises its wings behind them and freezes. Cloud starts stage left, proceeding in a grand chain, except that only Cloud moves along the line (country dance style) across the stage. Each character takes his hand (or wrist if they get his sword arm!) and passes him on to the next while speaking.

Barret: Alley-oop!

Cid: To infinity and beyond!

Nanaki and Cait Sith: Freeedoooom!

Yuffie: Cowabunga!

Vincent: Per ardua ad astra!

Tifa: Be careful, wrap up warm, and be back before dark!

Cloud lets go of Tifa's hand and swings around to the middle of the stage. Aerith gets up from the chorus and holds out her hand to him. Everyone else freezes. Cloud takes Aerith's hand.

Aerith: Ready?

Cloud nods. Aerith more or less throws him at Bahamut Sin. The members of the line move back so that Cloud can run straight at Bahamut Sin with his sword drawn.

Aerith: (As she throws Cloud, with great effort. He is 'pretty heavy' after all…) Ugh! (She dusts off her hands, looking satisfied, and sits down.)

Bahamut Sin: ROAR!

Cloud stabs Bahmut Sin once, with his sword. It falls to the floor, the sheet covering all the actors.

Cloud: Well, that was surprisingly easy!

The Magnificent Seven applaud lightly. When Kadaj shouts they all turn to look at him and Rufus, freezing in place.

Kadaj (unfreezing): Aaaaargh! (He lunges towards Rufus miming casting Firaga at him.

Rufus teeters on the brink. He puts his hand inside his jacket and pulls out – his fingers, held like a gun! He raises his eyebrows at Kadaj, who scowls. Rufus 'fires' at Kadaj, then 'jumps' off the building, standing on one leg and waving his arms, to show he's falling, (D.N. Make sure your Rufus has good balance!) and starts firing at the box on the ground. From the chorus, Marlene pops the popgun.

Kadaj: Mother! (He also 'jumps off the building'!)

Reno and Rude jump up from the chorus and kneel on the floor looking up at the falling Rufus. There should be quite a distance between them and Rufus.

Reno and Rude: Sir NO! (They gaze at Rufus in horror. Rufus keeps firing the 'gun'.)

Elena jumps up from the chorus.

Elena: Tseng! Tseng! Sir – we're on!

Tseng: Really? It hardly seems worth it.

Elena: Come on, Sir – Rufus is falling!

Tseng: Oh – all right. Though I must say this seems – implausible. Hasn't he been falling rather a long time?

Elena rushes over to the white sheet Rufus cast off, and picks it up. She stands up stage, between Rufus and Reno and Rude. She bunches the sheet up in her hands and points it towards the audience.

Elena: Oh Tseng! It was a good idea of yours to bring these handy _net guns_! How did you know?

Tseng gets up from the Chorus unhurriedly, straightening his tie. He takes position downstage, opposite Elena.

Tseng: A Turk always completes the mission, no matter how far-fetched.

Elena: My hero! (She throws one end of the sheet to him. He catches it (!) and they spread it out on the ground between Rufus (still 'falling'), and Reno and Rude, (still watching in horror).) Rufus falls slowly onto the sheet. Kadaj picks up the small box, jumps over Rufus, and runs around the stage once. Cloud runs after him, followed by all the Magnificent Seven and the three actors who were Bahamut sin, one of them carrying the black sheet. They all run around the stage once, then go and sit down in the Chorus. Rufus gets up, looking ruffled. He brushes down his suit. All the Turks look at him.

Rufus: I'm fine. Well – what are you waiting for?

Reno: Can we take the helicopter?

Rufus: No. That's only in _Advent Children Complete_. Anyway have you seen the state of this city? There's nothing left in the budget as it is!

Reno: _Please?_

Rufus: Oh sod it – why not? How much more destruction can even you cause? Just don't crash it or anything.

Reno: Result!

Reno and Rude run off to the Chorus. Rufus walks off. Tseng and Elena fold up the sheet.

Elena: Can I just say, Sir – you were great!

Tseng: Thank you Elena. Although I'm still not sure about the feasibility of that rescue. You and me - Deus Ex!

Tseng walks back to the Chorus. Elena looks after him.

Elena: Did he just say 'you and me, day of sex'? (She makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like 'squee'!)

Elena skips back to the Chorus.

End of Act III


End file.
